By Farah 'Fairy' Mahdzan (27 March/28 May 2006)

One bitch of a blog. What is? WhoDoYoThinkHeAre, of course.

This blog with the very awkward name is a fashion police of sorts; it is run by two self-declared quirky critics from Indonesia named Mpok Jane and Neng Sarah. In short, I think they are certifiably mad. But I highly approve!

Gleefully refreshing and guaranteed to make you snort your bowels out, the blog is written in English, occasionally lending itself to the owners' tongue of Bahasa Indonesia because at times the funny bits hit home better when told in its native language. The mood of the reviews written by Jane and Sarah by far surpass the level of bitchiness that only gay men with impeccable taste in grooming can project with perfection.

You know what. I think Jane and Sarah are gay men.

The Indonesian artists and superstars that fall victim to Jane and Sarah's microscoping are analyzed mercilessly to hell, never to return. And if you saw some of the appalling styles featured, you too would emphatize and commend Jane and Sarah for choosing to dedicate their lives to verbally abuse the ill-dressed of the rich and famous.

Of course you can't possible run a fashion site like this without using stereotype characters like pembantu (house maids) and prostitutes as points of comparison. Cruel and unusual indeed. As such, whodoyouthinkheare is only effectively when taken with a grain of salt. No, make that a truckload of salt. You can't take the site too seriously or else you'll blow up to smitherins with offense.

Finally after a 3-month chase of trying to get these two ladies (or gay men - it's anyone's guess ) to answer some questions for us here at MyIndo.com, they have RSVP-ed! God grief, I thought they never would. A very big thanks to them. Keep on bitchin', queens.

(You might want to keep a stress ball handy, just in case you break out in spots from reading their responses to some of our innocent questions. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

Questions for the creators of WHODOYOUTHINKHEARE

MyIndo.com: How did you come up with the idea to create this blog?

Jane: We’re just jealous at those celebrities, no seriously we are! Like how can you not be jealous at those women (and sometimes men) who come out in public wearing dresses that are horrendous enough to make Richard Blackwell kill himself over and over again in desperation yet still heralded as beautiful by the local media.

Sarah: Let’s put it this way, if I knew their numbers I would’ve called them personally to tell them how ugly they look.

MyIndo.com: WhoDoYouThinkHeAre: why the grammatically atrocious name?

Jane: Someone apparently hasn’t been following the discussion in our shout box.

Sarah: Atrocious name for atrociously dressed celebrities. I think that’s fair enough.

[The real explanation: According to detik.com, the "who do you think he are" phrase was made notoriously famous by actress Sarah Azhari who said it on Indonesian national TV some years ago. Someone get this lady enrolled in English classes please.]

MyIndo.com: How do you obtain the photos of artists you have on your blog? Magazines? Other websites? Personal collection?

Jane: Simply put, we steal them.

Sarah: Yeah, stealing is fun. And people send us pictures sometimes too, which doesn’t happen very often. But you know what I really want to do? I’d like to stalk Venna Melinda everyday for a week and take pictures of her paparazzi style. Then I’d go, “On Monday, she wore this and this, and so on and so on…” That would be fabulous.

MyIndo.com: Are you sisters?

Sarah: Yes, we’re sisters. But we don’t have the same mother and father.

Jane: We’re not exactly biological sisters, but I can tell you that what we have runs way deeper than that.

Sarah: Oh, you know those fat people who are so friggin’ fat they can’t even move and need a forklift just to get up? That’s us.

MyIndo.com: Are you working in the fashion industry, hence giving you more credibility to analyze these ugly fashions adorned by your fellow artists?

Jane: You’d be sooo surprised to know the industry that I work in. No, I don’t work in the fashion industry, the only credibility I have is my good fashion sense, something that most of our celebrities apparently lack of.

Sarah: Credibility? What the heck are you talking about? If by analyze you mean insult, I certainly think anyone can do it. God knows I’d be pumping gas somewhere if I’m not doing this. Does anybody have a job for me? I’m dead serious…

MyIndo.com: Why do you think these artists featured on your blog have such terrible sense of dressing? Who are the worst, in your opinion?

Jane: I don’t know really, I’m beginning to think it’s infectious. And the worst, errrr….that has got to be Agnes Monica! Seriously Agnes baby girl, if you’re reading this, get a clue and just kill yourself! It’s hopeless girl.

Sarah: The worst has got to be Her Royal Ugliness Venna Melinda, of course.

MyIndo.com: We noticed you wrote multiple posts on Armand Maulana and Shanty – they must be your favorite people to critique. Comment please.

Jane: One word: terrifying.

Sarah: Actually they’re not my favorite. Shanty definitely is NOT my favorite. She’s so fashionably ill, criticizing her is like shooting a fish in a barrel. I like writing on someone who’s pretty and usually well dressed, like…hmmm…Tamara Blezynski. Oh okay, bad example.

MyIndo.com: Your favorite top 3 reviews from WHODOYOUTHINKHEARE and why.

Jane: Definitely everything with Agnes Monica in it! It is just amazing the way this girl dresses. For all we know she might come out in public tomorrow wearing an actual rice sack and call it the latest haute couture.

Sarah: Our first post, because it’s the one that started it all. The Super Furry Animal post, the one I’m having an imaginary phone call with Nafa Urbach. The Celebrity Deathmatch post with The Bahars, because it isn’t exactly about their style, and I love the line, “Go to hell, you ugly c**t!!”. Wish I could say it all the time.

MyIndo.com: Have you ever thought about going further with WHODOYOUTHINKHEARE, like publishing a book of Indonesia’s worst dressed, or maybe even a TV show? How do you think it’ll fare commercially? Is Indonesia ready for such reality-bites?

Jane: Ohh, we think about that everyday. I think it’ll do well commercially, just see how well Jakarta Undercover was doing commercially.

Sarah: Of course. It sounds like money and we love money. A show called WHEN CELEBRITIES GONE MAD would be fantastic! But I don’t think everyone is ready for something like this, especially the celebrities. They would sue our asses off. And we don’t want them to go insane either and have to check into Helen Sparingga Mental Institution. God knows that place does exist.

MyIndo.com: We noticed that some of your readers can be pretty right-winged and righteous (the anal ones) and condemn what you do. Most of them are cool though and think you’re funny. What would you say to those people who hate what you do?

Jane: Umm…eat my dust?

Sarah: Puh-leez, I’d rather go through a Tersanjung 1-7 marathon on DVD than take those people seriously.

MyIndo.com: What would you do if you ever got sued for defamation from the artist whom you reviewed? Have you ever gotten a personal email from an artist whom you’ve reviewed?

Jane: What do you think? Hire Ruhut Sitompul for sure, like duuhhhh…

Sarah: I would get the hottest and hunkiest lawyer, make sweet and passionate love with him. And for the defense I would claim temporary insanity and writing under the influence of bad taste. No, we never received any email from them. Come to think of it, I’m not sure they know how to use a computer. Except maybe Angelina “The Man Once I Ignored” Sondakh.

MyIndo.com: Congrats for being reviewed on detik.com. Have other Indonesian media taken note of WHODOYOUTHINKHEARE?

Jane: None so far, although a review by Kompas would be very much appreciated.

Sarah: Well, reviews are nice. But to have Shanty scream “F**K YOU, BITCH!!!” at my face… now, THAT’S priceless.

MyIndo.com: Hey thanks for the interview with MyIndo.com. Any words of wisdom for future Indonesian artists?

Jane: Yes, get a mirror, a big one. It’ll save you and your future career.

Sarah: Stay ugly, we hate you just the way you are.

MyIndo.com: What do you gals (or guys?) look like?

[ MyIndo.com: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.... The curiosity continues to loom, dear readers. We may never find out what Jane and Sarah really look like. ]

Update! (2 June '06) Find out who those people in the photo really are. (Subject to verification as my knowledge of Indonesian artists/models is close to nil.)

We survived this interview, sob! :~)

Relevant links:

WhoDoYouThinkHeAre!
The notorious blog that inspired this piece.

Some other zany interviews MyIndo.com has trudged through:
Inside Out with Daniel Ziv and Guy Sharett
An Interview with Adhitya Mulya, author of Jomblo

Do you think Jane and Sarah are mad, too?